Good Clean (ghost-free) Fun!
Oh gosh, oh golly! I enjoy a nice laugh almost as much as I enjoy a handful of soft-baked cookies or maybe a Manwich. It makes me forget about the paper factory and the Migraine Device, and the constant meddling of Dolores' Daughter. The problem is, most places you go for laughs just fill your head with terrible naughty words and such.
Not that Bill Chappel, though. No sir, he promises nothing but good clean, wholesome humor. And thank the good lord for that. Mr. Chapell writes all varieties of hilarious songs and stories about just the strangest characters you'll ever meet. And he doesn't once resort to saying things like "cunt" or "poontang" or "punanny" or "cooz" or "cootchie" or "hoo-hah". He often performs in Branson, which is just a stone's throw from Angleville, but The Cousin doesn't like to travel to Branson, so I might only be able to enjoy the hilarious (clean!) jokes of Bill Chapell by listening to his World Wide Web Site. I'll bet he can hear me laugh from here, though.
His web site promises the following: "Often when he performs he can get through only one line at a time because he has to stop to allow time for the peals of laughter. " Well, that sure is true. I peeled off a mess of laughter when I heard his song, JOHNNY HEAD. The song is apparently about a young fellow with a terrible birth defect that has caused him to have only a head and no body to match. I suppose he is hooked up to an assortment of medical devices that monitor his body and his ideas. But, in spite of this tragedy, Mr. Chapell finds some good, clean laughs. That is the sign of a very gifted humorist.
Mr. Chapell, you look like a sea captain but I wonder if you really are. I don't know that being a sea captain would leave much time for hilarity but well, you never know. I suppose if you are a sea captain, you are the captain of the S.S. Funnybone! (I made that up, but The Cousin kind of helped me because I thought it was the "U.S." instead of "S.S." and he corrected me - and took three of my Sour Cream and Cheddar Potato Chips without asking, I might add - so that made it a little funnier. Thanks, TC, and you owe me 3 potato chips. Any variety will do, since beggars cannot be choosers! ha ha ha.
TORGO: I've got a very funny song for you. Would you like to hear it?
I'm not listening to you.
TORGO: It is called "The Deadest Man on Earth" and it goes something like this:
"There was a man who thought he was funny/
He wrote clean songs and made a little money/
But who would have known at the age of 35/
He would be stabbed in the face with a paring knife 14 times and left for dead in the viewing booth of an adult bookstore?"
I hate you so, Torgo.
Simply Take 3 Whiffs near each Nostril
I have a great love of sweets - ranging from Almond Roca and Canadian Mints to grape-flavored chewing gum and cream filled cakes and such. The Cousin believes I have a weight "problem", though Darlene at Give and Cake right here in Angleville declares I am perhaps a "Chocosaurus" and recently recommended purchasing a T-shirt with a funny decal to let others know I am in fact just a Chocosaurus instead of an overweight man in sweatpants.
Dolores' Daughter: Darlene has a drinking problem and was caught stealing sanitary napkins from Diggs but charges were never pressed because she has enough hardship and humiliation in her life.
I am happy to have found Slim Scents. They are shaped like pens and smell like a freshly bathed senior citizen. Upon smelling a Slim Scent, you can "sniff yourself thin". The Cousin let me spend some of my savings money on Slim Scents and, though they made me vomit instantly, I think there's something to it. I didn't feel particularly like eating out of the Cool Whip tub afterwards, particularly as my breath tasted a bit like sick. The Cousin took my Slim Scent pens away, but I think I can make myself throw up if I linger around the Angleville Green Meadows Retirement Home, where there are surely several freshly bathed (and more than a few unbathed) senior citizens at any given time.
Torgo: Wouldn't you rather enjoy a nice Choc-o-Dile? I'll send you one in your dreams.
NO!!!!!
A Temporary Disguise!
If you are looking for a way to blend into your surroundings - be they a farm, a snackbar, or perhaps the universe itself - I think Marylen Online Costumes will do you a proper. They have costumes of all varieties of fabrics and incarnations. Last year, at the Angleville Haunted Hayride and Pumpkin Carve-athalon, Dolores and Dolores' Daughter threw me a series of looks I can only describe as THREATENING and outright refused to visit my craft table, upon which I had arranged a wide variety of clothing belts woven from chewing gum wrappers. (JuicyFruit, Fruit Stripe, and the like. Stick Gum only! ) Each of these belts was available for purchase at reasonable prices, so I cannot imagine why Dolores and Dolores' Daughter would avoid me, except perhaps for purposes of intimidation and psychological warfare.
Dolores' Daughter: He was covered in filthy bunion pads
I was dressed as a sore foot for Halloween that year. It was an inexpensive costume (bunion pads: one dollar and seventy-nine cents plus tax at Digg's Drugstore) and artistic. But I sold not a single gum wrapper belt that night, a fact that I attribute largely to the malingerings of Dolores' Daughter.
Dolores' Daughter: He had open cuts all over his hands and this is terribly scary.
Halloween is supposed to be scary. And this year, Halloween cannot fail, thanks to the Marylen and her staff of costumieres. There is such a large selection of costumes here, that it may be difficult to choose. Will you dress as a Spaceman, a Lemon Wedge, or a billy goat? No matter what, you will have a delightful costume that will not attract the negative attention of dangerous individuals capable of discrediting you and bringing you bad times with the Migraine Device. Good luck disappearing!
