Bigfoot will mislead you
Well, I'll say it aint what you think. You might be expecting to find all sorts of snapshots and interviews and such and such on the topic of Bigfoot, the Yeti, Sasquatch, or maybe even Champy. But you're barking up the wrong tree here. It's just a place that lets you find addresses and the like.

I spent nearly four hours clicking around this site and became awfully disillusioned, having turned up not a single Bigfoot-related item. Instead, it's got a bunch of places where you can find people's addresses and such. I found Dolores' Daughter's address, I found the address of The Cousin, and my own, too.

Torgo: "I know where you live. I am at your house right now. I've brought poisonous bugs which will lay eggs in your nose while you sleep. Hope you like bug eggs."

I even looked up Bigfoot himself on Bigfoot.com and sent him an email message, just in case:


well, i don't know if you are the real bigfoot but i sure hope so. if you don't mind, i've got a question for you.

was that really you tearing it up through the woods or was that a man in a monkey suit. The Cousin tells me i'm ignorant for thinking it's the real deal. he says they used a big wooden foot on a stick to make those prints. well? what do you have to say for yourself???

also, i don't really know if you're a grandfather or nothing but i sure do wish you a happy grandparents day (as the card correctly states).

Torgo: "Bigfoot is the product of legends and you are the product of infidels!"

Shut Up!

please forward this to the real bigfoot if you're just one of his helpers. and tell him i said KEEP RUNNING, BROTHER!!!

sincerely,
Duane Witherspoon

p.s. what is your favorite color for coloring pasta shells? i can't tell you why I need to know this because then it won't be a surprise, so don't try me.


well i don't know if bigfoot will write back to me but i will make him a necklace from pasta shells, just in case. in the meantime, please check out Bigfoot.com if you want to know where your friends and enemies and secret lovers live. and don't forget to print out addresses and that way you can save them or hide them inside your winter coat to protect you from Torgo and the Button Pusher.

The Message by the extra-terrestrials to Rael
Did extra-terrestrials deliver important messages to the Raelians? Yes. Are Raelians Ufologists? No. Do Raelians support the consumption of genetically altered snacks? Of course. Did Torgo steal my glass helmet? No question.

Torgo: Yes sir, I stole that helmet for sure and now you will be forever embarrassed.

See? I attended a Raelian conference just last week. They seemed like very nice people and offered delicious Pepperidge Farm cookies at no charge. I especially enjoy the Orange Milanos and would prefer to eat them night and day if I had my druthers, except The Cousin has forbidden me from eating Orange Milanos because they make me a bit wiggy. I relayed this information to the Raelians, but The Raelians said I was permitted to enjoy as many Orange Milanos as I saw fit. This made me think they were on to something.

The Raelians believe in aliens, yes, and they are trying to collect a whole lot of money to build a greeting center on earth for aliens. (Preferably in Jerusalem) If we all proceed to the alien greeting center we may be spared some hard times for humans as determined by the aliens.

But the Raelians DO NOT believe that aliens are among us. That is an important distinction which was repeated many times by both a bearded man and a woman wearing flowing garments. And I wrote and underlined it five or perhaps six times in my dream journal so I would not forget it.

Some of the Raelian women and men looked like actors from the adult entertainment industry. They sure were friendly and shiny. I bought a book from a woman named Vespoxx. I asked her if she wanted to listen to Dusty Springfield on my headphones but she was busy spreading the word, you know. I don’t know that I’ll read this book any time soon ( I have many books on all varieties of subjects ranging from tree monkeys to drywall to former President Jimmy Carter which require my attention) but I thought it was my duty since they were so generous with the Pepperidge Farm Cookies. I am glad to have eaten so many cookies in such good company but I regret that I was being monitored by Torgo.

Torgo: It’s true.

And I felt I had to confess my snacking to The Cousin, who decreed that I would have to spend the evening without television. That’s OK, though, because I had many books to read on all varieties of subjects. But I think I told you that already.

Yahoo! is a great place to hide from The Cousin
yahoo! has a lot of spunk. when i purchased my computer the clerk at Radio Shack gave me what could only be interpreted as a sideways glance telling me he'd been listening to all the encoded slanderous messages Torgo placed in last week's episode of Diagnosis: Murder. i know see that Radio Shack clerk was trying to help me because he sold me a copy of yahoo! for a onetime payment of $84 (it usually costs you $99, but i only had $84 left in my shoe-wallet so the clerk saw a goodness in me and cut me a real deal), you can type yahoo! into your browser and you'll have all sorts of great places to hide from Torgo and The Cousin and the Migraine Device.

today i was hiding in yahoo! with these nice worm-hating cowboys and these people, too. i wore a hat fashioned from a bruegger's bagelry bagel bag (the large kind that fits a baker's dozen) so my head would not be recognizable in satellite photographs. yahoo! is more fun than making pot holders. and much safer. best $84 i've spent on a non-food item in a very long while.